


If It Ain't Broke [Call the Maytag Man]

by SailorSol



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Tower, Crack, Dubious Science, Gen, Household appliances, Physics Isn't Broken, Tony Stark Is Not a Repairman, Tony Stark is Insane, Violence Against Toasters, thermodynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-09
Updated: 2014-06-09
Packaged: 2018-02-04 01:36:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1761975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorSol/pseuds/SailorSol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes it just happens that you're trying to fix the thing that's broken and you find something else that's wrong. And before you know it, the toaster is in pieces and the computer is threatening to launch nuclear missiles.</p>
<p>Or, Tony Stark shouldn't be allowed near the household appliances.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If It Ain't Broke [Call the Maytag Man]

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little something inspired by a conversation with a friend.

It starts with the ice maker on the refrigerator not working. Anywhere else, a handyman would have been called and the problem would have been fixed within a few hours and everyone would be happy and have chilled drinks at their disposal. Or they’d buy ice cube trays and make ice the old fashioned way.

Tony brings up a bag of tools from his workshop, intent on Fixing The Ice Maker, how hard can it be, he’s a genius after all, and some schmuck who probably went to the Shithole Institute of Technology designed this piece of crap and Tony’s done better drunk and half asleep.

* * *

Steve finds him an hour later, the floor covered in slowly melting ice cubes. “Maybe you should—”

“Maybe you should shut it,” Tony cuts him off, the words muffled through the screwdriver clenched between his teeth. “Make yourself useful and hand me that,” he adds, gesturing towards the toaster.

“Um,” Steve says, warily handing the appliance over. “Why do you need the toaster?”

“Not going to use the coffee maker, now am I? That would just be cruel and unusual punishment for everyone.”

Steve shakes his head and leaves Tony to it.

* * *

“Idiots,” Tony is muttering when Bruce comes through for lunch. “Can you believe this? Jarvis, find me the idiot who installed this and make sure they’re fired from whatever job they’re currently holding.”

“Still having trouble with the ice maker?” Bruce asks, leaning one hip against the counter.

“Ice maker’s not the problem,” Tony said, stripping the plastic coating off of several sets of wires. “Jesus Christ, Bruce, you’d think these people never took a basic thermodynamics class!”

Bruce raises an eyebrow. “Have you found a way to counteract entropy then?”

“Give me another hour and another cup of coffee,” Tony snaps back. “I’ll at least get us ten percent more efficiency out of this thing.”

“And the ice maker?” Bruce prompts.

Tony waves what looks like part of a cheese grater at him. “Ice maker’s not the problem,” he says again. 

“Maybe we can still convince Pepper to go with the liquid nitrogen plan.”

* * *

“Tony?”

From this angle, the kitchen looks empty, but the door to the freezer is standing half open, and there’s muttered cursing coming from somewhere, so Pepper assumes her wayward boyfriend is still fighting with the appliance.

“Pep, you know where I keep my MOSFET transformers?” she hears him say, possibly from inside the freezer. She approaches, and sure enough, he’s sitting on a hunk of frozen meat with his hands shoved somewhere into the back.

“Tony, what on Earth are you doing?” she asks. 

“Fixing this,” he replies, without looking up from whatever he’s trying to do. “Transformers?”

Pepper frowns. “No, I don’t know where you keep them, and no, I’m not going to enable any more of this madness. If you’ve broken the fridge, we’ll just buy a new one. Jarvis—”

“—send Dummy up with one of the transformers,” Tony says, cutting her off. Pepper sighs and rolls her eyes. She’ll just order a new fridge from her office.

* * *

By the time dinner is meant to be served, the blender has suffered the same fate as the toaster. There’s a holographic display above the island, red and blue wireframe shapes forming what might be a refrigeration unit. There are three empty cartons of ice cream that had to be eaten lest they melt, and four pizza boxes because no one dared get too close to Tony and his welding torch.

“Jarvis, pull up those plans for that thing we did a few years ago,” Tony says. The other Avengers, finished with their food, are content in watching Tony fight what seemed to be a losing battle with thermodynamics.

“Ah, of course, that thing,” Jarvis replies dryly.

“You know the one, stop being a smartass,” Tony snaps back, emerging from behind the refrigerator for just a moment. His hair is a wild mess and there’s a streak of something black across his forehead. He snaps his fingers a few times impatiently. “The freeze gun thingie.”

“Sir, those plans are—”

“Oh, get off it, Jarvis, I designed the damn things, they can’t steal my intellectual property regardless of whatever bullshit the Army tries to make me sign. Pepper, tell Jarvis the Army can’t steal my brain!”

Pepper sighs. “Tony, you really don’t need to do this.”

“What? Of course I do!” he protests. “I’ve almost got it fixed. Now come on, we’ll have this hunk of junk spewing out frozen drinks in no time!”

* * *

“Tony!”

The unmistakable sound of a Pissed Off Jim Rhodes came from the landing deck. “What in the hell—”

Rhodey stops abruptly, taking in the Avengers playing a game of cards as sparks and the sound of an electric drill come from the kitchen.

“Hi, honey, come on in!” Tony replies as the drilling stops.

Rhodey tries for stern, but only manages confused. “Do I even want to know?”

“He’s fixing the ice maker,” Natasha supplies.

“Or trying to invent an endothermic bomb. None of us are quite sure any more,” Clint adds.

“Five points to the archer for vocabulary,” Tony says. “But the ice maker’s not the problem.”

“No,” Rhodey says, drawing the word out slowly, with as much disapproval as he can muster. “The problem is that someone was hacking the nuclear launch codes and we traced it back to you.”

Steve is on his feet looking ready for a fight. Tony looks offended and maybe a little shocked. Pepper sighs for the thousandth time that night. “I told you to create a distraction, not go Skynet, Jarvis!” Tony scolds.

“No worries, Sir, you’ve programmed me to ensure that won’t happen,” Jarvis replies. “You were due for your regular incursion, so I took the liberty to kill two birds with one stone, as it were.”

“Regular incursion?” Steve and Rhodey say at nearly the same time, before sharing an exasperated look.

Tony holds up a hand to stop them from commenting. “One minute. I’ve almost got this.” He disappears behind the fridge once more, the drilling continues, and then there’s a triumphant laugh. The lights flicker for a moment as the compressor whirs into life. “See?” Tony asks the room at large, reemerging.

Natasha crosses the room, taking a cup from the dish drainer to press against the lever that should dispense the ice. Something makes a grinding noise, the lights flicker again, but no ice comes out. Natasha hands him the empty cup, then pats him on the shoulder. “Ice maker’s still not working.”


End file.
